Most Embarrassing Public Bathroom Experience

When I fist moved to Austin, I got a job at a shady call center. We were the only business in this large office building for a long time. So I pretty much knew everyone that worked there and I knew there were no handicap folks. Knowing there were no handicap people in the building, I would use the handicap stall for number 2. It was roomy and the lock worked better on that door than the others. After some time a new business rented out the other offices on the second floor where we were. I didn't know everyone that worked there. So one day as I was killing time in the handicap stall, I saw a pair of wheels roll up to the door. I could see the man reaching for the handle through the little crack in the door. He pulled but realized it was locked. I thought he might move on but he did not. He pulled several more times, shook the door, then banged on it.

The he said "That's not your stall asshole!"

I simply replied with a nervous fart.

Whether he or I was right or wrong. That experience was my most traumatic public bathroom experience to date. Until yesterday...

Thanksgiving was filled with junk food and laziness. It was awesome and as I have said before, quite possibly my favorite day of the year. However, this kind of sloth and gluttony comes with a price.

For the most part we eat very clean at our house. So when we introduce a high dose of junk food, the mouth rejoices but the body revolts. So for a couple days after, trips to the poo palace are frequent. The affects of the Thanksgiving mouth party last for days sometimes.

Yesterday I had to make a quick run to Tractor Supply Company for some pig feed. On the way I felt the familiar rumble and hoped that it could wait 20 minutes until I got home. As soon as I hit the entrance everything settled hard and it turned from a level 1 discomfort to a level 10 emergency.

I tightened up the best I could and did a little penguin walk to the restrooms. I swiftly moved through the unusual amount of customers there doing Black Friday sale shopping. Usually the store is fairly empty, but not today. Not this weekend.

I made it to the restroom. This is your standard public bathroom. 1 urinal, 1 regular stall, 1 handicap stall. I chose the non-handicap stall this time. The bathrooms are not tucked off in a little hall way though. The mens restroom door pretty much opens up to the tool box/tire department where many folks were shopping.

I sat down and began my business. Because of the junk food eaten prior to this, it was a bit more noisy than I would prefer. As I was in the middle of everything, I heard the door open and someone come in. I tried to cut it off for a moment as what was happening was vulgar and offensive. I just wanted to be polite. As I held off the attack, a few soldiers broke through the line.

Finally the guy left and I could get back to business. Basically it sounded like someone blew up 1000 balloons didn't tie them, then let them all go in the bathroom.

Things got pretty intense. I almost got a little concerned but finally a few more putters and I was finished. Thankful to have made it to the bathroom in time and to have lived through this experience, I left the stall to wash my hands.

When I opened the door to the stall my heart stopped. I stood frozen looking at a wide open bathroom door.

The motherfucker that came in, that I so graciously put things on hold for, had left the fucking door open................

I still had to wash my hands, I still had to go get the pig feed, I still had to walk through the store, I still had to go pay.

For the most part no one made eye contact with me as I left the restroom. No one wanted to even look at the loud pooping guy.

My face was red and my ears were on fire the whole time I was in there.

This blog is called "The ADVENTURES of..." so my adventures and life lessons are not always profound but sometimes just fucking embarrassing.