"God didn't get you sober to fuck you over." - Alan Kaufman,
Drunken Angel
Being perpetually hung over is no way to live. But, you can live through it. Somehow you get accustomed to waking up a little too late, powering through the headache, hiding the dragon breath, getting some medicinal junk food, and carrying on your day at about 50% effort. You hate every second of it, but humans are adaptable.
I gained weight, compounded by my already depressive nature, held grudges, and took little responsibility for my actions. If something bad happened that I could not blame on someone else, I blamed the booze, and I blamed the booze on the abstract of my past and tormented soul. I was a weak and opinionated shithead that lived for the beer.
I could probably share a ton of stories about all the stupid shit I did while drunk, but I honestly think that it mirrors most drunk stories and could get a little boring. Everyone has been there. Puking behind a dumpster wondering where things went wrong with that strange girl you were hitting on while sitting right next to your girlfriend. It's a tale as old as booze.
4 years postmortem of my alcohol driven life, it is easy to look back and think things weren't that bad, but that is just because I am so far removed from it now.
The last morning I ever woke up hungover, after drinking 30 Lone Stars by myself over the course of about 12 hours, I knew a change needed to be made. Unfortunately for you dear reader, I don't have an epic tale of when things came to an abrupt and exciting end. It was just the collection of bullshit that had built up in my soul over years and years of refusing to be honest with myself about anything. The lies let me avoid things like meaningful interactions, love, improvement, and honest self evaluation. I want to say I was the worst, but at best, I just didn't matter. I was nothing special.
I knew that my drinking was the root of most of my issues. I knew that it had to stop. So after reading article after article and book after book about alcoholism, I did what anyone else would do. I self diagnosed myself with Alcoholism. Then I looked up AA meetings and got my ass to one of those. I bought into the idea and committed to sobriety and the 12 steps. I did that for about a year....
I went to meetings with newcomers, old timers, lifers, the real professionals of sobriety. Keep coming back, it works if you work it. Just get to a meeting. That's your disease talking. The platitudes are in no short supply around the meeting scene. But hell, if it's going to get you sober, and get you your life back on track, and help you survive past 40 years old, it's worth a shot.
The problem was that I could never really relate to anyone at those meetings. I would say a majority of the people there were court ordered which really took away from how genuine I thought it was. Then the other portion of the people had been to levels of hell that I have never experienced. One homeless man talked about how he shot up anything he could get his hands on until he had lost his job, family, home, and dignity and now sleeps under an overpass. One girl talked being repeatedly sexually assaulted just for access to drugs. One the softer side of the spectrum were people talking about how they drank themselves into chronic illness and homelessness. Then when it's my turn, I am supposed to talk about how I can be super annoying and am chronically late to work? I felt like an impostor. But I knew better than to compare my situation to anyone else and kept going. Just most of the time I would sit quietly and listen. Then the meetings turned more into cautionary tales. I could not relate to these people and I did not want to. I knew that I hadn't hit that kind of bottom yet, but I had the full potential to do so.
After a while I quit going. I never got a sponsor. I never worked the 12 steps. I did take some of the ideology and strategies for dealing with things away with me though.
When you decide to put down the fire water, it is confusing and difficult. Up to that point your social structure and schedule had some implied drinking time in there. We also live in a world where everything is forcefully pushed in a worst case scenario type situation in the name of safety. I think this is what led me into AA. I was desperate and didn't know what to do. It was a good and logical first step. I think it is an amazing program that has helped millions and I encourage anyone that thinks they may have a problem to just go listen to a meeting.
Listen. Pay attention. Learn. But you don't have to jump in head first. I am glad I went and think that I needed the support at the beginning. The only thing is, I didn't want a sponsor. One of the biggest myths about this whole thing is that you have to get a sponsor, check in, go to a ton of meetings and start using the vernacular they use in the group. I am 4 years sober, so someone that is 5 years sober can come in tell me that this wrong. Some one that is 20 years sober will tell them they are wrong or improve on their message. That kind of hierarchy is part of the program it seems. It is good to learn from those that are experienced. It is detrimental to your goals if you constantly assume you are different or unique and don't have to follow some kind of plan that has worked for others. BUT! You also have to listen to yourself at a certain point and follow what you think is sustainable for you.
One of the things I learned in fitness is that everyone is different. If you are 600 pounds and eating pizza everyday, some drastic steps must be taken to save your life. So if you crashed your car into a group of people because you were drunk driving, you need help. But if you are 20 pounds overweight and out of shape because you are lazy, you probably don't need gastric bypass.
Maybe it was my own personal point of view and weird way of interpreting things but after awhile and the more meetings I went to, the more sad I would get. I also couldn't connect with anyone there. I felt like a lot of the people I talked to, and granted I didn't talk to everyone, just said the same things over and over. I was not in a place where that was helpful to me.
After a year my life had improved. I had a better job. I worked hard to be the best I could be. I had lost about 30 pounds at that point, gotten a new car, and my credit was improving. Things were on the upswing. I felt good so good that I embraced my "recovery" even more.
I did reach out and try to make amends with people I had hurt. I tried to be more honest with myself. I was working out, eating better, making better decisions, eliminating toxic people and living the best little sober life I could lead.
That's when reality started to kick in. I was still depressed and couldn't sleep at night. I still had very little impulse control when it came to other vices and I was still pleading with God to silence my demons on a daily basis. Before the booze had helped muffle all of that noise, but now here I was, all alone, standing in this noisy and dangerous jungle with no weapon or my medicine.
This revealed the first myth about sobriety to me. Being sober doesn't heal you, it just makes you much more acutely aware of your wounds. You can let go and let God, but it's still going to hurt. Sometimes a lot.
This took me down a road I was not prepared for. I thought that without the weight of hangovers, the clarity, and the extra energy, these things would be there but I would be far more capable of dealing with it. This was not the case. I was not capable of dealing with some of this stuff on my own. Without getting political here, lets just say that my health care didn't cover my case of the grumpies, and I was not able to go see a therapist. It did however cover a doctor visit and a prescription. Anti-depressants to function. Anti-Anxiety to sleep. The platform was different but here I was again depending on chemicals to get me through my days and nights. Overcoming my kind of darkness was going to take some work. There would be no short cuts or easy answers.
The next myth was that my relationships would improve. In a few instances, yes that was the case. I was less bitter toward my parents, reached out to some old friends, and wasn't ashamed of myself around new people. What I wasn't prepared for was learning how many of my friendships were based on drinking. I used to be of the mindset that time determined the value of a relationship. Now I realize it is the quality of that time that determines the value. After a few sessions of hanging out but abstaining, some people just quit calling. I tried not to be a sobriety evangelical. I only talked about it when someone asked about it. Sobriety just has that way of removing your rose colored glasses though. So I started to see people for what they truly were. How selfish and disingenuous people can be. I realized that I had friends for years that only talked about themselves, constantly. The world did not exist outside of their bubble and I was a mere sounding board for all of their bullshit. Little by little my large and multifarious group of friends started dwindling.
Nearly 2 years into this new life my relationship of 5 years unraveled fairly quickly yet trivially. No big blow up. No persistent issues. Just growing boredom and indifference. It was mutual and on good terms but it was interesting. After 3 years of my being a sad, annoying drain, but 2 years into being better and less annoying, this too was coming to an end. Like I said, it was for the best, but it was interesting.
When I drank, I was not afraid to be a part of group or open up to people. That is kind of the spirit of drinking anyway. If alcohol serves any purpose at all, it's social lubrication. You are fearless to go out there and be the worst version of yourself that you can possibly be. I could be the annoying life of the party. I just didn't notice that part because I was drunk.
The next myth was that I would become less creative and less likely to do things I wanted to do like stand-up comedy. For awhile, yes, I was less creative. My mind was swirling with questions and AA platitudes, and just the general struggle not to fall back into bad habits. So the creative side of me took a back seat to my mental hurricane. But as time went by, not drinking became normal and the creativity seemed to start working its way back to the front. This time though it was actual creativity. Not just a cynical way for me to vent about my own bitterness. When I would write when I was drunk I thought I was so deep and mysterious. Turns out, I just didn't make any sense. Being nonsensical doesn't make you deep and philosophical, it just makes you that person that says random shit sometimes.
I also didn't believe that without some sauce I would have nerve to go up on stage to do an open mic. Finally after encouragement from friends I decided to see what I could do. I put together the best 3 minutes of funny I could come up with, practice it like weirdo in my living room, and sign up for an open mic. I invited all my friends so at least someone would laugh if it wasn't funny and stressed about it for a week. Turns out, I am not bad at it. Certainly I have some work to do, but I can get laughs and not embarrass myself. Most importantly, I proved to myself that I don't need alcohol to do something terrifying.
The other myth was that you can still make friends without alcohol. This one has some grey area. Of course you can make friends without getting boozed up. Even the worst of the drinkers do that all the time. The case for me was that I really had less and less interest in making new friends. Of course if an awesome or interesting person came along and the chemistry was there, we would could start planning slumber parties and camping trips. The thing is though, you get to be a little more discerning about who is allowed in your comfort bubble. People are rife with issues and those issues need to be compatible with my issues because then we understand each other and can talk about other stuff. I value quality, and if the quality isn't there, I won't spend much time around you.
There were some old friends of mine that both figuratively and literally I unfriended in this process. I don't mean to make it sound like everyone walked out on me. I did my fair share of walking too. I have never had a problem breaking up with friends though. I can make friends from strangers and strangers from friends fairly easily. They always wanted an explanation. I guess that is fair, but it seems like they should have taken a look at themselves in the process to find that answer. At least part of the answer. Most of them however chalked it up to me being an asshole and kept on keeping on.
Another myth is that your friends won't be supportive. You will be surprised. As long as you aren't trying to recruit someone like an Herbalife salesman, people are usually pretty cool with it. In fact, most people are so self absorbed they really don't even give a shit. A few people will always give you a hard time because they are idiots. It doesn't matter what you do, some people are just dicks.
Through this process, most people have supported me. I had one guy I knew, I don't even want to call him a friend even though Facebook did, that gave me shit via social media all the time. He liked to tease me and "see how long this will last" and say something shitty on anything I ever posted. This passed December, while driving drunk, he ran his truck off the road and into some utility poles. The woman riding with him didn't make it. Fuck that guy and fuck the people that shit on you when you try to do something awesome.
Here is a
fact about not drinking. You are going to save a shit load of money. This is the easiest thing to wrap your head around because it is basic math. If you spend $200 per month on booze, that is $2400 a year. $2400 is a trip to Europe. $2400 is 22 years worth of Netflix. I was spending close to $20 per day on alcohol. That would include maintenance drinking during the week and some blow out on the weekends. Sometimes more, sometimes less, but that is the average.
No experience or night out was ever worth $7300 per year. Not when I could have used that same $7300 to go on a trip or give to charity or pay 2 high end hookers to poke each other with spoons for a few hours. Someone that is broke but holding a drink I will forever and ever think of as an asshole.
Here at the 4 year mark my life is dramatically better than it was. I feel good and trust myself. I am in love and happily married. I am even better equipped to not fuck it up. The friends I have are genuine and good people. I am a better example to my nieces and nephews. I am still funny, I am stronger, I am braver and quitting drinking was a huge factor in all of that. The thing I have pondered over recently though is was my drinking nature or nurture? If you have a topic you want confirmed, the right phrasing in google and you have found it. So I am not sure there is any clear scientific material out there that will give me an answer to this question. I just find myself wondering that if my environment had been different, would I have fallen so hard into the bottle? Or, was I born with a genetic issue that brought the bottle to me? In a small town it is sad and boring. The best way to cure sadness and boredom when you are a teenager is to get fucked up. So it started there. Then anywhere I went or any move I made, I seemed to drag a little of that sadness and boredom with me. If drinking wasn't a habit, surrounding myself with knuckleheads and troublemakers was a habit. Drinking was a way of life for the people I always found myself surrounded by. So I was in all these toxic situations and drinking. This led me to be depressed because of the situation which then led me to drink which then led me to be more depressed. In that cycle the only thing you can do is act depraved and feel sorry for yourself. So I wonder if I had made friends that had healthier relationships with the drink if I would have had a better relationship myself. If I wasn't part of a group that constantly turned everything up to 11, would I still have been that kind of drunk? Do I have some kind of demonic alcohol gene inside of me or was it something else? Maybe it was the fact that I had no self esteem, trauma, and a bitch attitude?
It seems like quitting was the catalyst that set into motion a series of events that would improve my life. When I started being more honest, life got simpler. When I started being realistic, my stress levels went down. When I cut out or lost people from my life, my relationship with others improved. When I stopped spending money in liquor stores and bars, my finances improved. When started holding myself accountable, I started to improve at things. When I realized I had some worth, I started to love and accept being loved.
So the last myth I uncovered is "Drinking is the root of all your problems". False. Drinking was only an ingredient in my shit storm cocktail. For me the drinking was more of a symptom rather than the disease. I was in pain and depressed from trauma as a child before I ever drank. I was disenfranchised with religion because it was forced on me as a kid. I was mad at God because it seemed like everyone on his team were crazy assholes. I had low self esteem and problems with stability because we were poor and moved a lot when I was a kid. I don't have a relationship with my siblings because they are toxic shitheads not because I was drunk. I slept with lots of women because I didn't realize there were other ways to be a man. I fought people and said hurtful things because I knew that would keep people at a safe distance. I hurt people before they could hurt me. Drinking was an unhealthy coping mechanism I used to numb myself, avoid reality, and interact with people I didn't want to be around in the first place. The things I did when I was drunk was to show off in hopes I would get back a little bit of validation from someone. All of those problems existed before, during, and after I was drinking. They didn't appear when I started drinking.
My point with all that is that if you decide you are going to quit drinking, or doing drugs, or whatever your vice is, just know that that part will keep busy, but it's most likely not the only thing you are going to have to figure out. In fact, if you could work backward, deal with those problems first, then your addiction would probably subside on it's own. I don't think that is possible so definitely start where ever you can.
I probably won't ever go back to drinking. I don't know this as fact because I cannot see the future but I certainly can't think of any good reason to do so. Alcohol never did me any favors. Like they say in AA, I just take it one day at a time. One time someone asked me if the world was ending tomorrow, would I drink one last time. My answer, "I have no idea." It doesn't work like that.
People paint it differently but in the end drinking or not drinking is just a choice you make over and over at very quick moments in time. From my experience, looking back, I didn't have it nearly as hard as other people. I am grateful for that. I am grateful that I stuck with it and continue to do so. Now I am not drinking because I don't want to, not because I can't. Yeah, alcoholism is a tricky disease, but loading up on SSRIs and Xanax is a slippery slope too. I don't trust extremes. The sweet spot is finding balance in the middle. Balance is that place where you know what you are capable of but trusting yourself to do the right thing. Everyday when I get up, I want to think that at the end of my day I will have been a good man and not done anything to set myself back. I am done talking about what I am going to do, how I am going to be, and what values will navigate me. Now those things are just part of my operating system.
If I can, I want to be one of the people out there that offers up what I have learned in the hopes that it will help someone else. Over 4 years of not drinking I have approached this in a lot of different ways. Today though, I can only tell you what I have learned this far. If you feel like you drink too much, if you think your life would be better without it, then try quitting. Do what you have to do. It won't be easy with or without meetings. Drinking is part of our societal norms. Sometimes the hard part is doing something not normal. The hardest thing for people to do is be honest with themselves and admit that they are not special. You aren't living out a rebellious life because you get drunk regularly. Everyone is doing that. Not drinking doesn't make you special either. Lots of people are sober. What quitting does is allow you to be normal without hangovers.
I want to be helpful where I can as long as I can be honest.
To everyone that has supported me in any way at all, thank you. Thank you thank you thank you. I did not go at making changes to my life alone. There were constantly people around to prop me up, encourage me, and applaud when I did well. It means the world to me. I know we should hang out more but you know the rest of that story.
To those that have forgiven me for my drunken antics and nonsense, thank you for allowing me that. To those that haven't, I hope one day you can, but I am going to move on.
To my wife:
You make everything easier or you make me stronger, either way, you are amazing.
